I didn’t know I’d be scrubbing blood out of the living room carpet on Christmas Day at 10:30p.m., but there I was, having to decide whether I pull out cleaning solution or if I just call it a night and go to bed. It’s all still a bit of a blur, but for proper context, allow me to start from the beginning. My teenage sister loves family board games, and Exploding Kittens is a favorite of hers. She’s mentioned a few times this year that she really, really wanted to try Throw Throw Burrito. Being the amazing older sister that I am, I added this to my Amazon cart and had it shipped to me to wrap for her to open Christmas morning. Did I do my research? No, this is where I made a grave mistake, but more on that later. When my sister tore the paper on Christmas morning to find this long-awaited game, thrilled shouts rang out around the room from fellow family members who looked forward to playing. The pride of a great gift given washed over me in this moment, and I took another sip of hot coffee, happy with the successful purchase. Looking back to that moment, I now see just how naive I was. After Christmas dinner had been eaten and the rest of dessert polished off, 6 of us gathered in the living room and sat down in a big circle on the floor to play Throw Throw Burrito. As I was reading the instructions, I grew concerned. Even though the name is “Throw Throw Burrito,” somehow I thought it would be more like “Toss Toss Burrito.” I swallowed my concern and we dealt everyone in. The game starts and we’re getting the hang of it and it’s a little aggressive...and then someone called a duel. I don’t remember who or how I ended up standing back-to-back with my younger brother who is a head taller and twice my size, but next thing I knew someone yelled “3...2...1... Burrito!” and I was no longer in the living room. Adrenaline surged through my veins and I was on a battlefield. I tried to dodge a burrito and chuck one all at the same time, and we both missed. Glass bulbs clanged on the Christmas tree, other players shouted from the sidelines, and I scrambled to find a burrito on the floor before my brother could get the other and hit me with it. Only thing is—I couldn’t find it. It was lost to me forever, so I had one option: run. I ran faster than I’ve ever run in my adult life as this grown, built-like-bull beast of a man chased me around the living room, nearly causing an earthquake to rupture across the American Midwest. I had nowhere to turn but to keep running around the room before he could hit me. This is where things start to get fuzzy, because my heart is racing and I’m running for my EVER. LOVING. LIFE. Suddenly, my foot slides against a game card and I fly, falling face-down into the carpet. I lie there for a second trying to process all that just transpired when I feel the harrowing finality of a burrito hitting me in the back. The competitive screams turn to silence, and someone says, “Uh, you ok?” I carefully pick myself—and my pride—up off the floor. We all make our way back into the circle, the game we once played long gone, scattered in a disarray across the room. Some announced how this was the most fun they’d ever had during a card game, and still reconciling in my mind what just occurred, I let them know that no one could ever convince me to play this awful game again. My sister rolled her eyes and we straightened the cards best we could to get back to the round at hand. I feel my foot throbbing and I look down, only to see blood running down the side of it. I’m not sure at what point I was injured during my burrito civil war, but there was a gash on my foot. “I’m bleeding!” I exclaim, and my fellow players just start laughing. We finished the game around 10:30 in the evening, and I left to properly bandage my foot. I come back and as we’re putting the game away I see a blood stain in the white carpet where I had fallen just minutes prior. The big question now was, do I scrub the blood out of my mother’s white carpet, or just call it a night? Who knew this is how the Christmas of 2020 would draw to a close? All that being said, buyer beware: this is no game of “Toss Toss Burrito.” This, indeed, is “Throw Throw Burrito,” and may bring out a new side you’ve never seen before of the people you play with. And, bad mood and wounded pride aside, it was actually pretty fun. We played it again last night and while bulbs clanged against the Christmas tree again, no one was majorly injured. The burritos are already cracked and one is missing a chunk, so I don’t think they’ll last very long, but Throw Throw Burrito is quite the entertaining game nonetheless. All I can say now, fellow potential purchaser, is good luck.
